Lessons in my Life
Reflecting on where I am in my life, where I’ve been and where I see myself next. Another one of the many layers of conscious work on my personal development that I may be shedding or discovering!
The post on our business Facebook/Instagram page was about personal boundaries, this is where my thoughts started this morning. First, I noticed how Aries has a place in bound(aries), this is intriguing to me because the full moon in Aries is coming up and my astrological sign is Aries. I decided I should explore why this came into my awareness.
Recently during one of our (AEF) workshops I made the comment about bringing back who I was. How I should have phrased that is, rediscovering who I am, who my essence is, bringing her back with the maturity and conscious lessons she has learned. Going backwards is just not my thing, but being my authentic self is.
As I reawaken that fire, confidence, and go for it attitude I explore the why and how…..again! This time looking at the Aries characteristics then exploring through the good and challenging traits. Aries is the “head” of the zodiac, think of a ram, sometimes charging in head first, if that doesn’t work take a few steps back then charge head first again! They are known as the pioneer and trailblazer with energy that helps initiate, fight for our beliefs and fearlessly put ourselves out there. Energetic, encouraging, bold, devoted, heroic and caring. This is the energy with which I raised a most magnificent human being, the energy in which I overcame circumstance hurdles when I was younger.
This is the energy in which I held a position, and the pay that goes with the position, before I had finished the degree, a degree that was required for said position, a degree I never did finish, because something new came along for me to accomplish.
Follow through, that is something I wanted to work on way back when. Sticking with something for the long haul. There is a difference between redefining your traits and totally using them for self-destruction. Actually, using your traits for self-destruction is defining.
This lesson has taken me many years to truly grasp and I still have more to go on it! Of course, I didn’t/don’t want to go through life starting and not finishing goals, its really not about denying “who you are” its understanding who you are and where you can improve that trait to best serve you. If you are headstrong (that isn’t always an undesirable trait), being headstrong can give you the courage to step out of your comfort zone when all others say your goal can never be done and you do. It can also cause you to fall off a cliff because you were so headstrong you forgot to look ahead.
When I got married, I wanted it to be forever (it was not my first marriage). I was going to stick with it, I was going to compromise, I was and did go to counseling to make sure it worked. I wasn’t going to let that fire energy burn too hot (or at all), I was not going to be impulsive or self-centered, impatient, my way or the highway, no none of that. Again, not really looking at how to use those traits in a compromising way, just using them to destroy all that I thought was “wrong” with me. To me that was compromising.
Now don’t get me wrong I still had my inner strength, I still was headstrong, I still wanted “my way”, I was still being self-centered, just at my own expense, not listening to my intuition. My intuition was telling me sometimes yelling at me stop! I wasn’t compromising in my marriage I was compromising me!
My headstrong trait let me continue to ram my head until, this turns out the way I think it should look when I compromise, kept me going until I ran right off that cliff. Oops!
At first the compromises weren’t that big of a deal, cooking meat (yuk) even though I didn’t eat it and gagged often when making it, the thought of saying, if you want meat you cook it, didn’t enter my thought process! Why, because I was compromising, or so I thought. Over the years I started making sure I was smaller, kept quiet on many issues, it wasn’t worth the arguments, I didn’t want my daughter in a house where people were yelling and slamming doors, I’d had enough of that growing up. To be able to have a conversation where emotions were high and get my point across without being a bitch (my perspective) I hadn’t learned how to use those tools appropriately yet.
When our counselor recommended the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, we read it. One day in the middle of a discussion where I am attempting to get my point across without raising my voice he says, “oh wait, this is that part in the book where I’m suppose to just listen”. Okay my immediate thought was, don’t repeat parts of the book in the middle of our fucking conversation. I didn’t, because the next thought was, he read the book, then I just said never mind. Over the years there became more and more never minds because I was tired of hitting my own thumb with the hammer. I wasn’t using the right tool for the job.
20 years go by and I realize I have no idea who I am, or how I got to be this dependent person who was afraid to shine. I wasn’t even sure how to have emotions, didn’t do many activities on my own outside of my business.
For his work we moved a lot, sometimes I went, sometimes I stayed at the last place we were living, a place where I didn’t know anyone or have a business. I could spend a week without even going anywhere, thankfully I always had dogs so I did get out to walk them. But human conversation most of the time happened only on the phone or with my husband when he was there. He too was unhappy.
Then he finally asked for the divorce, now honestly that was a great thing for both of us! Yet something inside me did break open, I cried, I got mad, I was so angry with him for leaving me. How dare him after I gave up all of who I was and what I wanted, I followed his rules, I followed him and he was going to leave me! (looking at those Aries traits) I felt so sorry for myself, it was disgusting!
I am so very grateful he did because I’m not sure how long it would have taken me to get my ass out of the fog and for me to be the divine being I was meant to be. I am forever grateful to him for being a teacher for me in many areas.
His timing was of course divine. I have discovered so many layers and let go of baggage that did not and does not serve me, on many many levels! Some wasn’t even my own garbage! An amazing Seabhan said to me, “this healing, heals the ancestral women before you and after you” think about that, amazing!
Amantha Murphy and Lora O’Brien came into my awareness at just the right time in my life. Of course, I was listening to my intuition again and had a very supportive, non judgmental, loving person helping me to navigate( Thank you LaTosha, love you to infinite and beyond). Along with a circle of women that met weekly over the phone to share, talk, learn about ourselves, which lifted me back up and challenged me to be me. It was a space to practice, me.
Now when you haven’t worn shoes in a while putting them back on can be uncomfortable, then finding which shoes you like now, not shoes you wore years ago, this is a process. A process of adding and eliminating, trusting your own intuition again, what feels right to you and what doesn’t. Most of my process was throwing out the garbage, it wasn’t serving anyone! Thankfully I had many tools to use, even if I hadn’t been fully using them for years, I did have them, I knew which to use for each job and I knew how to use them. Now to use them to build the conscious life I wanted, to work towards being all that I wanted, to have those experiences that I enjoyed, not the ones I had self-imposed on how I thought others wanted me to live. Because that’s just crap and a whole lot of bullshit to drag around. I was ready to build, to be joyous, to be my authentic self, using all the tools I have acquired, understanding how to be me with personal boundaries, how to be okay when I think someone doesn’t understand me. I catch that shit faster now, with consciousness, with self appreciation as the Sovereign Queen of my own life.
At first as I was discovering my sovereignty, I experienced relationships that weren’t in alignment with who I truly am, I compromised again my integrity by not listening to my own intuition, my own truth. That doesn’t mean that the other people didn’t have integrity with who and what they believed. Sometimes its easy to get caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong, when its just we are on different paths. We all have our own lessons and having people come into your life to be a mirror and help you learn more about yourself is a great gift. It is that fine personal boundary line, for me it is creating boundaries.
In this I’m not saying live your life according to your zodiac sign, I just happened to notice the Aries in boundaries and explored. What I am sharing is what I have learned, that our life is just that, our own life. When you are a child you have certain limitations on where you live, what you eat, what rules you have to follow etc. As an adult you choose. You are also solely responsible for how you experience life. I look at the people we encounter as mirrors of what we want to learn about ourselves or enjoy about ourselves. If you are looking into a crazy mirror or one that makes you feel distorted, change the damn mirrors! I know some of you reading this are saying, but what did we learn? What if I keep choosing crazy mirrors? Well, I really want to wrap this up and that is another lesson I will share another time.
I believe that sometimes we don’t need to know why, just that it doesn’t feel right and rather than standing there sinking, the lesson may be, why are you standing in this quick sand when all you have to do is step out?!
Sharing our stories, having goosebump experiences and allowing our light to shine bright, is how we climb our highest summits of self. Join us when you are ready, Brenda